I'm so middle class

I’m so middle class..

That  I keep the tags intact on my luggage even months after my flight.

That a trip to another city or a country is a major event in my life.

That except my house and my office, there are very places to go.

That I don’t throw away the price tags of branded stuff for days.

That I spend hours on deciding the budget of the gift for anyone’s wedding or birthday.

That I keep the cardboard boxes lying with me just because they are of Adidas or Nike or Sony.

That I don’t have an authorized version of any software.

That I think with my English I can get around anywhere in the world.

That I think I’m intelligent because I’m bilingual or trilingual

That I think my college degree is the biggest advantage for me to rise high in life.

That I think my children’s future depends on how much they score in their 10^th and 12^th std board exams.

That I think parents know whats best for children.

That I think teachers can be role models.

Plastic covers play a big role in my day to day life, from seats of cars to anything remotely expensive.

That I stitch and alter my clothes a million times before throwing them away.

That I instantly convert a price in pounds/euros/dollars to rupees.

That half the dialed calls from my cellphone are missed calls.

That my yearly increment is barely enough to get me an extra month’s groceries but enough to get me to a higher tax bracket.

That I feel guilty when I buy a new garment or a gadget.

That a TV or a computer  lasts as long as furniture in my house.

That vehicles are family heirlooms, passed from parents to children.

That an empty 1.5 litre soft drink bottle serves as my water bottle for a couple of years.

That empty ice cream tubs serve as storage for cooked vegetables for a couple of years.

That I think god is going to be angry with me for drinking liquor  or eating meat on an auspicious day.

That finding ten rupees in the back pocket of a washed pair of trousers makes my day.

That  a three bedroom flat and a sedan is my ultimate goal in life.

That I cannot disregard anything that my parents say.

That my dinner and lunch is at times the lunch and dinner leftovers, respectively.

That I read the restaurant menu from right to left.

That I never order appetizers in a restaurant.

That after a meal, I make sure to take some paper napkins and toothpicks.

That instead of going on a real date, I spend that time watching porn websites.

That I can get sex only via marriage.

That the sorrow of being single is instantly wiped away with the realization that I’m saving a lot money due to this.

That I fancy a starlet thinking that she is and looks as cute as she is in her films/serials.

That my favourite poem is ‘roses are red, violets are blue, vodka is cheaper than dinner for  two’.

That I make sure to have some souvenirs from my hotel room stay.

That I think everyone around the world knows Bollywood and Cricket.

That Kingfisher strong and Royal Stag mean premium liquor for me.

That I think only hard work is the way to riches.

That at a fuel station, the amount of petrol/diesel in my vehicle is not counted in litres but in rupees.

That I think a person’s intellect depends on how well he speaks English and how many degrees he holds.

That when I’m in front of the TV, I think I have all the solutions to all my country’s problems.

That I think that out there is a girl who will love me just for what I am and the way I am.

That I have too much month at the end of my salary.

That a serious illness is all that will take to make me dirt poor.

That I have no idea how to avoid tax.

That looking into my wallet is nothing less than an introspection.

That electricity and telephone bills make me sad.

That I have no means of passing the inflation to someone else.

That a promotion makes me feel like the richest man in the world.

That I think if I respect people, they are obliged to do the same.

That at the end of the month my passbook resembles a sad novel.

That I think that police are there to protect me , courts are there to give me justice and hospitals are there to cure me.

That I think whatever the media tells me is true.

That I still stick to my values inspite of them proving disadvantageous to me.

That I think schools and colleges can instill values and morals in students.

That I’m afraid of the law.

That I’m too dignified to beg, too righteous to steal and too much of a simpleton to make a fortune.

That I cannot be shameless.

That a lot of my decision involve “what will people say?”

That I’m oblivious to the larger picture that there is noone to protect my interests, that everything is already bought and distributed to a very large group, and I’m never going to be in it.

That I think votes win elections and good work wins promotions.

That I think the common man is good. All the fault lies solely with the politicians.

That I think I’m somehow insulated from all the evil happening out there and nothing bad can ever happen to my family.

That I forget that I won’t get what I deserve but only what I negotiate.

That I forget that my child will learn by what I am, not what I teach him.

That I forget how fragile is everything I have strived to build.

That I think if I prevent my child from watching certain channels or read certain books, he/she will not get corrupted.

That I think will is more important than skill.

That I think all I need to do to achieve something is put my heart into it.

That I think honesty is the best policy and that slow and steady wins the race.

That I still think there is some decency left in the society.

That I think my government is mine.

That I believe in live and let live.

That I think being content with what I have is the secret of happy life.

That somehow, even in this hopeless situation, I think life is good.

 

http://theviewspaper.net/middle-class/

Lessons from Films

Chinese don’t have any other hobby except martial arts. Life in ancient and medieval  China was all about fighting with anyone who got in your way and avenging your master who somehow had to get killed for you to achieve greatness.

Life in the old west was about going to saloons, getting drunk, shooting anyone who offended you without any obligations. Half the population was of bounty hunters and the other half of bandits. The remaining were sheriffs, barmen, dandy ladies and old timers.

The purpose of the American school system is the promotion of basketball, American football and cheerleading. Students have hobbies like skateboarding, guitars, dancing. Every male student has to have his crush living next door.

America single handedly won the second world war.

Every scientist is bound to be mad and unleash something bad on the world.

Half of the Russians are spies. The other half are gangsters.

Half of the blacks are gangsters. The other half are saintly wise men.

Half of Japanese population are geniuses. The other half belong to the Yakuza.

Atleast a tenth of the American public works for the CIA/FBI/NSA. All wealthy guys are evil investment bankers. Everyone has a car, regardless of their economic background. All protagonists, male or female are defacto stunt drivers.

A rifle magazine holds enough bullets to decimate a thousand people. Reloading a pistol or a rifle is to be done in rarest of the rare cases.

A bullet to the shoulder and arm is a minor injury.

The hero will not utter a grunt even with the worst stab injury but will wince in pain when the heroine is cleaning his wounds.

The villain’s goons can shoot their year’s supply of bullets but none will hit the hero. A misfired shot from the hero always finds its mark.

Cellphone batteries run out when they are needed the most. Cars wont start when you are desperately escaping killers.

Cars and houses are not meant to be locked.

All criminal plans like planned robberies or hits have to be discussed in a crowded restaurant.

Army sergeants are sadistic psychopaths.

Two policemen who do not get along will always be paired together. A police officer cannot solve any crime unless he is suspended.

Policemen have no other work than escorting the battered villain to jail in the end of the film.

In course of their investigations, the policeman protagonist must make multiple visits to bars and strip clubs.

Court cases involve entertainment and drama. Lawyers cant win their cases unless they theatrically express themselves. The judge is a robot.

Anyone can avoid the death penalty for murder by feigning insanity.

 Forensic science is magic.

Mexico does not have a legitimate business as the economy seems to be running on cocaine and kidnapping. The males are into drug trafficking and women are into chasing gringos.

Aliens are either naked or are dressed in identical outfits. Their planet has one culture and one language. They have a very special interest in attacking America.

Eiffel tower can be seen from anywhere in Paris.

All countries in Africa have a civil war going on. Even walking on the streets can get you killed. Only a bleeding heart white man or woman can make a difference in this situation.

Journalists are heroes. Editors are villains.

Inspectors are heroes. Commissioners are either dumb or villains.

In mythological films, we come to know that the asuras/rakshasas spent half of their time laughing loudly.

Army officers have no other recreation other than getting drunk at parties.

Chloroform causes instant unconsciousness.

Dogs bark at bad people.

Snakes are easily picked up and thrown away by the protagonist after they have stung everyone else to death.

Busy streets are the best place to dance. When you start dancing on the streets, everyone else joins you as they already know the dance steps.

In Bollywood, all the protagonists can start singing anywhere because they have great voices.

In Bollywood, death row doesn’t last beyond two weeks to one month. Anyone who is sentenced to hang is to be hung asap.

 Colleges in India are meant for promotion of canteens and binge drinking parties. The preoccupation of every college student is chasing girls. A male college student must carry two books. If he carries one, he may look like a ruffian and if he carries more than two, he may end up looking like a nerd, a character reserved for the comedian. The girl must be naïve and hot. Or arrogant and hot. But she must be hot and somehow fall in love with the unemployed good for nothing hero.

If someone falls down when chased by the murderer, they somehow cant get up in order to be killed by the murderer.

The poorest of the poor protagonist has to romance his ladylove in Switzerland.

The most important thing is finding your soulmate to get married. Trivial issues like earning a living don’t matter.

Temple priests (pujaris) are decadent and dishonest. Imams and Padres are pious.

Everyone from America visiting India sees nothing but the Taj Mahal.

Inspite of banks, loans somehow have to be taken from moneylenders and gangsters.

There comes a time for every doctor to proclaim “He needs prayers more than medicines now”.

The protagonist’s mother, sister and brother will have the rarest blood group like O-ve, something which is unknown to the protagonist till the time they meet some mishap. The hospital wont stock that blood group, because after all, its rare.

If you drive a car or ride a bike with a worried state of mind or after fighting with your family, you will have an accident.

A rape victim has to kill herself to fire the protagonist for avenging her.

Fires always lead to explosions. All houses and godowns are highly inflammable. One matchstick or a burning cloth is enough.

100% of computer hackers are on the wrong side of the law. It is child’s play to hack into bank accounts and websites of security agencies.

Ghosts kill young women in the shower. Young men taking a shower are left alone.

In a horror film, blood always falls from the shower when the female protagonist is under it.

Serial killers who stab their victims always use a chef’s knife.

For escaping a pursuing killer, always run upstairs.

James Bond somehow has developed a technique of not letting his victims bleed when he shoots them. He fights best when dressed in tuxedos.

All vampires are defacto Christians as they are terrified of the crucifixes.

When left alone in a big house, young women undress instantly.

In Indian prisons, people fight mostly over who will be the first in the queue for the food.

Bad guys smoke cigars and pipes. Good guys smoke cigarettes.

Anyone who speaks Urdu is somehow a cultured person. Anyone who speaks pure Hindi is a buffoon.

Whisky looks like black tea. And its to be drunk straight from the bottle at one go for optimum results. Only men are alcoholics.

Anyone alone in the car is either bound to die, get kidnapped or get chased by another car.

Any accomplished skill from martial arts to music can be acquired in a matter of few days or months.

Rich people have all the time in the world to throw lavish parties and going on yacht cruises.

Office work involves nothing but presentations and more presentations. Everyone has to be dressed in a coat and a tie.

Life in Indian villages is a paradise. The people except one or two are epitomes of goodness. Fetching water from the well involves pretty women in colourful clothes gyrating to music and tilling and harvesting is a great recreational activity.

City folk are bad. Village folk are good. Businessmen are evil. Salaried guys are good. Rich people are bad. Poor people are good.

All  vehicles explode when someone shoots them or when they crash into buildings.

One can survive bomb blast by leaping through the window just as the bomb explodes.

Time bombs have an attached digital clock so that the diffuser can plan his schedule. There are always two wires to cut, and in the end, whichever wire is cut diffuses the bomb.

Love conquers everything from bad financial conditions to the corrupt system. The most powerful thing in the world is love between two people who look attractive on the screen. Love which starts in the college, endures the longest.

The protagonist, who has not hit anyone seriously in his life can take down the most vicious of hitmen .

Most important, all villains are stupid. They can be foxed by the dumbest kid. And when they finally have the hero  in their grasp, instead of shooting him right away they start speaking big dialogues which gives  the hero enough time for finding a way of killing the villain.

Last but not the least, the director is a wise guy and the viewer is an idiot.

 http://theviewspaper.net/what-do-we-learn-from-films/

Education with Ads

Dark skinned women do not have a right to a dignified life. They should not even think of rising high in life.

Women with pimples should not show their face in public.

Men and women have different skins, so the same cream may not work on them.

Using the right skin cream and petroleum jelly makes you sexier.

Instant noodles are the best source of nutrition. Mummy knows that too.

Welcome guests not with flowers, but with cancerous pan masala. 

Put some  pan masala or khaini in your mouth and the whole world will be at your feet.

Chocolates bars cause temporary amnesia. You cant eat chocolate without smearing it all over your face.

Highways are always empty any given time of the day so that you can drive anyway at will.

Without health drinks, your children will grow up as cripples.

Fruit juice is better than the actual fruit.

One teaspoon of detergent yields half a bucket of foam.

Safe sex is more important than morality.

Deodorants for men  are aphrodisiacs for women. The right kind of perfume makes you the cynosure of all eyes and professionally successful.

Mountain Dew makes you fearless.

Toothpastes must have salt and must lather more. Your brand of toothpaste is vital for your popularity among girls and social standing.

Wear the right undergarments and you will be a superstar. Don’t wear a shirt, then you don’t need any voter id or even standing in a queue. Your combat abilities are enhanced as well. Sometimes, your very manlihood depends on it.

Drinking a particular brand of tea makes you wake up to the realities and fight corruption.

Doctors wear their aprons and stethoscopes even when they are home . And they have their own favourites among toothpastes, toothbrushes, health drinks, antiseptic s, soaps, creams.

Women are intelligent and are put on earth to hammer some sense into men who are dumb.

Mothers in adverstising look the best, they don’t look a year over 25, have all the wisdom in the world and tell their kids how they must use a particular product which happens to be the right for them.

The best way to make your mother laugh is to arrive from school covered in mud. She will smilingly tell you how stains are good by washing them away with her preferred detergent.

Cough drops are magic. You swallow one and your cough vanishes, leaving you free to sing, dance or climb the world tallest mountains.

The insurance agent cares more for you than your parents, wife and children combined.

A microbe, be it of any kind, looks like a wriggling worm.

When you wipe your living room with cleaner or brush your teeth, you kill not less than 99.99% of germs that may be in there.

A razor or shaving cream or after shave is no good if  a woman doesn’t run her fingertips on your face after you shave.

A certain brand of cornflakes can get your wife to have a ballerina like figure. It can also make your kids smarter cause you know, its got iron in it.

The effectiveness of a bathing soap has to be demonstrated by a young woman in the bathtub covered with foam.

Girls having their periods wear white, are always happy and skip rope just because they use an oblong shaped sanitary pad.

Mango flavoured drinks can give orgasms.

Sportsmen perform better in the field on drinking their favourite brand of cola.

Glucose biscuits make your kids bright.

Girls idea of fun is riding all day on their scooterettes and dancing at midnight with old men.

Inverters don’t need any electricity to charge.

Using a particular brand of paint for your house makes you the smartest person around.

Your 125cc bike makes you an object of envy even for people who drive BMWs.

You can enhance your personality favourably by certain brands of cola. 

If you don’t clean your toilet regularly with the recommended cleaner, a pesky guy with cameras in tow will burst into your house and show the audience what your toilet looks like exactly at their dinnertime.

A shampoo contains more components than your college lab, even if it is “natural”. Be sure not be a social outcaste by having dandruff.

Burgers look twice as big in ads than in reality. But you must take your children to burger joints if you want to prove that you are a responsible parent.

Whether a student’s exam goes well or not depends on the kind of pen he uses to write them.

For your coffee to work for you, you must drink the recommended brand daintily like the star who is endorsing it.

Using a certain sim card can change your life. 

Bubble gum can make your kids into adventurers.

Chewing gum can whiten your teeth.

You cannot be a complete man or someone important unless you wear a crafted suit.

Processed food like soup mix can make mummy a hit with her kids. Conventional cooking sucks.

Without an adhesive bandage, wounds can turn gangrenous.

Never drink plain milk. Be sure to have it with health drinks, cornflakes or biscuits.

And the most important-you need a hot woman to sell anything from houseloans, cars, pizzas, soft drinks, razors, shaving gels, refrigerators, TVs etc etc etc.

Your self respect and stature depends on what brands you use.

Instant gratification through frivolous means is the ultimate aim in life.

The biggest lesson I have learnt from ads is that I need to change the channels as they appear.

 http://theviewspaper.net/educations-with-ads/