Lessons from Films

Chinese don’t have any other hobby except martial arts. Life in ancient and medieval  China was all about fighting with anyone who got in your way and avenging your master who somehow had to get killed for you to achieve greatness.

Life in the old west was about going to saloons, getting drunk, shooting anyone who offended you without any obligations. Half the population was of bounty hunters and the other half of bandits. The remaining were sheriffs, barmen, dandy ladies and old timers.

The purpose of the American school system is the promotion of basketball, American football and cheerleading. Students have hobbies like skateboarding, guitars, dancing. Every male student has to have his crush living next door.

America single handedly won the second world war.

Every scientist is bound to be mad and unleash something bad on the world.

Half of the Russians are spies. The other half are gangsters.

Half of the blacks are gangsters. The other half are saintly wise men.

Half of Japanese population are geniuses. The other half belong to the Yakuza.

Atleast a tenth of the American public works for the CIA/FBI/NSA. All wealthy guys are evil investment bankers. Everyone has a car, regardless of their economic background. All protagonists, male or female are defacto stunt drivers.

A rifle magazine holds enough bullets to decimate a thousand people. Reloading a pistol or a rifle is to be done in rarest of the rare cases.

A bullet to the shoulder and arm is a minor injury.

The hero will not utter a grunt even with the worst stab injury but will wince in pain when the heroine is cleaning his wounds.

The villain’s goons can shoot their year’s supply of bullets but none will hit the hero. A misfired shot from the hero always finds its mark.

Cellphone batteries run out when they are needed the most. Cars wont start when you are desperately escaping killers.

Cars and houses are not meant to be locked.

All criminal plans like planned robberies or hits have to be discussed in a crowded restaurant.

Army sergeants are sadistic psychopaths.

Two policemen who do not get along will always be paired together. A police officer cannot solve any crime unless he is suspended.

Policemen have no other work than escorting the battered villain to jail in the end of the film.

In course of their investigations, the policeman protagonist must make multiple visits to bars and strip clubs.

Court cases involve entertainment and drama. Lawyers cant win their cases unless they theatrically express themselves. The judge is a robot.

Anyone can avoid the death penalty for murder by feigning insanity.

 Forensic science is magic.

Mexico does not have a legitimate business as the economy seems to be running on cocaine and kidnapping. The males are into drug trafficking and women are into chasing gringos.

Aliens are either naked or are dressed in identical outfits. Their planet has one culture and one language. They have a very special interest in attacking America.

Eiffel tower can be seen from anywhere in Paris.

All countries in Africa have a civil war going on. Even walking on the streets can get you killed. Only a bleeding heart white man or woman can make a difference in this situation.

Journalists are heroes. Editors are villains.

Inspectors are heroes. Commissioners are either dumb or villains.

In mythological films, we come to know that the asuras/rakshasas spent half of their time laughing loudly.

Army officers have no other recreation other than getting drunk at parties.

Chloroform causes instant unconsciousness.

Dogs bark at bad people.

Snakes are easily picked up and thrown away by the protagonist after they have stung everyone else to death.

Busy streets are the best place to dance. When you start dancing on the streets, everyone else joins you as they already know the dance steps.

In Bollywood, all the protagonists can start singing anywhere because they have great voices.

In Bollywood, death row doesn’t last beyond two weeks to one month. Anyone who is sentenced to hang is to be hung asap.

 Colleges in India are meant for promotion of canteens and binge drinking parties. The preoccupation of every college student is chasing girls. A male college student must carry two books. If he carries one, he may look like a ruffian and if he carries more than two, he may end up looking like a nerd, a character reserved for the comedian. The girl must be naïve and hot. Or arrogant and hot. But she must be hot and somehow fall in love with the unemployed good for nothing hero.

If someone falls down when chased by the murderer, they somehow cant get up in order to be killed by the murderer.

The poorest of the poor protagonist has to romance his ladylove in Switzerland.

The most important thing is finding your soulmate to get married. Trivial issues like earning a living don’t matter.

Temple priests (pujaris) are decadent and dishonest. Imams and Padres are pious.

Everyone from America visiting India sees nothing but the Taj Mahal.

Inspite of banks, loans somehow have to be taken from moneylenders and gangsters.

There comes a time for every doctor to proclaim “He needs prayers more than medicines now”.

The protagonist’s mother, sister and brother will have the rarest blood group like O-ve, something which is unknown to the protagonist till the time they meet some mishap. The hospital wont stock that blood group, because after all, its rare.

If you drive a car or ride a bike with a worried state of mind or after fighting with your family, you will have an accident.

A rape victim has to kill herself to fire the protagonist for avenging her.

Fires always lead to explosions. All houses and godowns are highly inflammable. One matchstick or a burning cloth is enough.

100% of computer hackers are on the wrong side of the law. It is child’s play to hack into bank accounts and websites of security agencies.

Ghosts kill young women in the shower. Young men taking a shower are left alone.

In a horror film, blood always falls from the shower when the female protagonist is under it.

Serial killers who stab their victims always use a chef’s knife.

For escaping a pursuing killer, always run upstairs.

James Bond somehow has developed a technique of not letting his victims bleed when he shoots them. He fights best when dressed in tuxedos.

All vampires are defacto Christians as they are terrified of the crucifixes.

When left alone in a big house, young women undress instantly.

In Indian prisons, people fight mostly over who will be the first in the queue for the food.

Bad guys smoke cigars and pipes. Good guys smoke cigarettes.

Anyone who speaks Urdu is somehow a cultured person. Anyone who speaks pure Hindi is a buffoon.

Whisky looks like black tea. And its to be drunk straight from the bottle at one go for optimum results. Only men are alcoholics.

Anyone alone in the car is either bound to die, get kidnapped or get chased by another car.

Any accomplished skill from martial arts to music can be acquired in a matter of few days or months.

Rich people have all the time in the world to throw lavish parties and going on yacht cruises.

Office work involves nothing but presentations and more presentations. Everyone has to be dressed in a coat and a tie.

Life in Indian villages is a paradise. The people except one or two are epitomes of goodness. Fetching water from the well involves pretty women in colourful clothes gyrating to music and tilling and harvesting is a great recreational activity.

City folk are bad. Village folk are good. Businessmen are evil. Salaried guys are good. Rich people are bad. Poor people are good.

All  vehicles explode when someone shoots them or when they crash into buildings.

One can survive bomb blast by leaping through the window just as the bomb explodes.

Time bombs have an attached digital clock so that the diffuser can plan his schedule. There are always two wires to cut, and in the end, whichever wire is cut diffuses the bomb.

Love conquers everything from bad financial conditions to the corrupt system. The most powerful thing in the world is love between two people who look attractive on the screen. Love which starts in the college, endures the longest.

The protagonist, who has not hit anyone seriously in his life can take down the most vicious of hitmen .

Most important, all villains are stupid. They can be foxed by the dumbest kid. And when they finally have the hero  in their grasp, instead of shooting him right away they start speaking big dialogues which gives  the hero enough time for finding a way of killing the villain.

Last but not the least, the director is a wise guy and the viewer is an idiot.

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